seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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