I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize