Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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