Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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