Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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