His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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