mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
