I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
