Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
