i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
