Apparently you make a good broom.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
