Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
