pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize