My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
