Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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