She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
