My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
