Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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