she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
