I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
