phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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