In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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