I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
