and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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