thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
