That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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