In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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