I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
