I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize