The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
