I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
