I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
