great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
