Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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