My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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