seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
