Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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