I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
