Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
