I cannot find my penis.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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