Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I can text with my tongue
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
