i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
