New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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