It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
