i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize