I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
