I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
