if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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