Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
