i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
