Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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