it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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