Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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