I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
