you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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