if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
