Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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