note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
