the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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