Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
