My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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