how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
