if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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