DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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