smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
