update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
