Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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