Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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